I found this old journal entry that I made in 1987. My children were toddlers, I was working full time, trying to make ends meet. The disease was eating me alive. My husband was gone during the week because of work and was home on weekends only, sometimes.
I was so sick that I had to have a heating pad and mustard plaster on my chest each morning just to get up and move. I remember the pain as unbearable. I would wake up in the middle of the night from a dead sleep, during this period of time, quaking and trembling, sometimes convulsing from the pain. I couldn’t breathe, often as I passed out, I would have to ask the Lord to take care of my children, until I came back, if I did. Gasping for air in extreme pain is no picnic. Panic sets in and there isn’t much you can do. Trusting Jesus becomes the first choice!
Friends meant well, but when someone loves you and they are desperate to find an answer for you, sometimes, you are that answer. It’s easier. I got to be their answer to my problems a lot. I, it would seem, was the cause. I guess I was. I needed to learn lots of great stuff! Still, I learn. The school of life!
We were losing everything and our home was in foreclosure from not having any work for so long prior to this time. There were about 12 years of this type of difficulty. It seemed like it just couldn’t quit coming. Couldn’t and wouldn’t. Like a horrible wave. I used to wonder why God just didn’t sneeze or something, and make it all go away. I know now why. The Word of God must “try you” as it did Job and Joseph and David.
God is giving us a powerful opportunity for strength, will we take it?
“Oh Lord, How could I consider a hard time bad, when you were there strengthening me! How could I consider a loss a trial when you, yourself were beside me? And yet, those around me would say, “Yes, but it’s been bad for too long and it should stop.” I will say, “Not so!” For how can anythng that befall me in this world come to harm me as long as I have You to see me through? You are my Joy. Teach me to joy fully Lord, as your word says, “The joy of the Lord is my strength” by teaching me that true joy comes from your company and conversation. With that, I shall never lose sight of Who’s in control and I will never lose my strength. Because, Jesus, you never leave. You just won’t go away. You just keep taking all this pain and abuse with me. Thanks for not running.”